Tag: writing

Keeping it together

Lately I’ve been thinking, and wondering, why some people are able to keep it together, mentally, in the face of adversity, more than others. Similar to having the gift of being able to perform under pressure. As I said in my previous entry, people are always telling me that I don’t act like I’ve been locked up for as long as I’ve been, it’ll be 24 years in December, or that I’ve even spent time on the row because I seem to still have it together. Trust me, I’m very aware that I’m dealing with some type of trauma from my experiences. 

I’m all for therapy, and prioritizing one’s mental health. I’m talking from experience with my share of sessions with psychologists over the years, and seeing the difference those sessions made. They all agree that I’m good at compartmentalizing the trauma in my life. I truly think that’s my coping mechanism, but I often wonder if I have a tipping point where it’ll be too much. Also, is it because of my life experiences and what I’ve overcome made it easier to deal with the trauma? We all have our ways of getting through difficult times, but when do we know when it’s too much? 

This week has been so stressful, and that’s putting it nicely. My mental state was tested, and it made me wonder about a possible tipping point. Let me share a bit of what I dealt with last week. Hurricane Milton hit this area last week. They ended up evacuating the guys from the work camp across the street to our prison, so it was very crowded. To the point where there were three men in a cell. Keep in mind, it’s a two-man cell that’s barely big enough for one person, so it was a tight fit. On top of that, we had plumbing issues and the cell was flooded for two days, that was the worst. I’m a clean freak, so imagine how I felt having to deal with that. I feel dirty just thinking about it. That’s on top of everything that comes from being in prison. 

Anyways, I’m not good in crowds, it makes me anxious and agitated. I’m certain that’s why it wasn’t too hard on me being in solitary confinement all those years because I’m ok with being alone. Of course, it did get lonely at times, but as far as breaking me mentally, it was more stressful waiting for a decision from the court, especially when your appeals are being denied. That, and being away from loved ones, missing out on milestones, affected my mental health more than anything. 

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. It’s like therapy when I can share a bit of what’s going on with me. With that being said, do take the time to focus on your mental health.

One love – David

Is it written on my face?

I transferred to another prison a little over a month ago. A prison that’s closer to my family and has programs that I’m interested in, so it was a win-win decision for me, and my family. At the same time, you never know what to expect when going to another prison. Of course, it’s still prison, but you now have to adjust to a new environment, new faces, new personalities, and a new cellmate as well, and that’s all unpredictable. Another thing, information moves quickly in the prison system. You’ll be surprised, but as soon as you step off the bus, word already spread that you’ve arrived, especially if you’re coming with a bit of history.

With that being said, I had an encounter the other day that let me know that that’s the reality. The other day, a guy I met through a guy that I knew from another prison said something that led to an interesting conversation. He said that he heard that I was on death row, but I don’t act like someone who’s been on death row. Keep in mind, I never include the fact that I was on death row when I’m introducing myself, so it caught me off guard. First, how does someone who’s been on death row carry themselves? I asked him what he meant by that, and he said that he expected them to act crazy and upset, whatever that means. Then I asked him where he got his information from. Apparently, he’s someone that a little pull on the compound and it’s his business to know who’s who. He also said that everybody knows. As I said, word spreads fast in prison. He added that he knew the day I got here and had been observing me. That’s another thing in prison, someone is always watching. There’s absolutely no privacy. It’s very important to have a clean reputation, because wherever you go, your history follows you. That’s a topic for another day.

I’m mainly stuck on the part about not acting like I was on death row. Am I supposed to be broken, out of my mind, and upset at the world? Or, should I take it as a compliment? I’m so confused. What I do know, in every situation, especially in situations that are not ideal, you have to either make the best of it, or let it break you. I chose to make the best of it. I definitely didn’t do it on my own, and I continue making that decision every morning before starting my day. So, I truly hope that people won’t think of the death row when they meet me, because I’m so much more.

One love

David