No fear

‘I try not to live my life in fear, but I’m starting to feel like one of my few fears in life is becoming a reality. The fear that I would become institutionalized, and I would start to feel, and think, that this, prison life is normal. There’s nothing normal about prison life.

I recently had my 41st birthday, 21st on the other side of the fence, and thankfully even after all these years, I still receive lots of love and well wishes for my birthday. Along with well wishes, there’s words of encouragement, and a few comments about how well I’ve held up after all these years. I know that they mean well when they say that I’ve held up well, but does holding up well mean that I’ve adjusted and accepted the circumstances? Have I fully adopted to my surroundings? Also, is that a good thing or not? I’m conflicted on the idea of holding up well, because I have my days where I feel absolutely out of place, then days where I do feel like I’m holding up just fine.

Then, I also thought about what if I got out this very moment. How will I manage? I can honestly say that there’s a good chance that I will struggle mightily. I’ve been in solitary confinement for almost 20 years and no telling how much damage that’s done, mentally, until I’m put I a ”normal” setting. Maybe I’m over thinking it, but I truly fear that I will wake up one day and think that prison life is normal.

I don’t fear dying, but another fear of mines is growing old and dying in prison, but that’s a conversation for another day.”